Thoughts on Wiggin Out
Friday, January 22, 2010 at 11:10AM It feels like the first day of the rest of my life. But it is a bit ironic that I would be feeling my best when I look my worst. I now really look like I have cancer… barely any eyebrows, eyelashes and red shadows sit on my eyelids. But in contrast to my outside I'm starting to feel great again on the inside. Each day I wake up with more energy and strength and I feel a solid sense of peace within me.
Today, Dave and I decided to visit the American Cancer Society and ask to try on their wigs. I have thought a lot about wigs, but mainly, how I just do not want to wear one. Dave, in an unassuming way, has suggested a few times that I should try it. I thought about it but then it hit me that I don’t want to wear a wig to try and look normal or mimic my old self. My past is not where I want to live and I don’t want to cover or hide what has happened to me.
Before my diagnosis I fully appreciated my hair, skin, eyebrows and eyelashes. I loved them. When the bad news came I remember telling Dave that one of the things I feared most was how I would feel (on the inside) when I finally looked like I had cancer (on the outside). When the hair on my head started falling out we made a party out of it and that actually felt manageable. My face still looked normal and and I still felt pretty. Pretty and bald.
I remember going to a support group and walking in with my bald head and a lady said to me that my eyebrows look great and that the eyebrows make all the difference. I didn't exactly know what she was talking about until eventually my eyebrows fell off. When that happened and my eyelashes started thinning it felt as if my face was slowly melting off. I thought to myself, "this is what it looks like to have cancer." Then I said, “So, new Jenny, what does this feel like? What is it that this will bring out of you?” To say the least I felt so many emotions and feelings. I tear up just thinking about the process. And because I’m not a routine make up putter-on-er I knew this is the face that I’m going to be facing for a while. It’s a big change. When I look in the mirror I feel stripped, bear, naked, freakish and I look so tired and sick.
About the time that my face began to change for what I felt to be the worse there was something else going on inside my body. Among the shock and sadness I had intensely strong feelings to embrace and welcome the new me. How? I had no idea how really I just trusted that this transformation was deeply changing me... how I treat others, view the sufferings of others and perceive myself..etc. Who are we as our bodies begin to fade? In this moment God felt opaque to me again and reminded me that there is no promise that this life is going to be easy or problem free. However God does promise that he will be holding our hand and so close to us every step of the way. Laying in bed as I realized this It felt as if God did one of the Bogart “Here’s looking at you kid” impressions reminding me how much he loves looking at me and how much he likes laughing with me.
I needed something that could help the time pass by faster and make me happy. I also realized how much I love to make people smile, laugh and feel good. I like to be funny and make myself laugh and don't even mind that much being laughed at (see blog getting laughed at:). A funny idea popped into my head that made me laugh out-loud. I thought if I don’t want to wear a wig that makes me look like the old Jenny then why not wear a wig that represents how I feel today? The idea is grounded in the concept that our appearances will always be evolving and that I don’t need to live for yesterday or tomorrow, but focus on God's fullness today!
So in an effort to combat my sometimes blue days I wanted to start having fun with my new looks and I got the idea to change wigs every week for the next few weeks. I'll try and post a photo with a new wig every Wednesday. "Wiggin out Wednesdays" is my attempt to embrace these crazy changes and even have a little fun with it.
Reader Comments (13)
I can never find the right words to express howmuch I appreciate you taking all of us on this journey with you--nor how much I see God just exploding out of every word and photo that you share. It's amazing. And so beautiful. And it breaks my heart and makes me cry, but then it fills me with a sense of strength and courage like none I've ever known. God is changing you and all of us through his mighty work in you. Sure do love you. And wish I could hug you. How expensive ARE tickets to Missouri, anyway?
xoxo,
t
wow. thanks for those powerful words. i love you!
cindy
Jenny, I'm so inspired by your ability to honestly share your feelings. It is very liberating to those around you, including me! You are gorgeous with or without hair, even though I know it feels awful to you. Women with your facial features shave their heads on purpose to show them off (Demi & Sinead). Have fun with the wigs & know that you made my day hearing that you are feeling a little better!
Love you,
ali
Oh how I love you girls.
Amazing!!! You are changing me too!!! thank you for sharing your love and feelings. I truly think you so rock it!!! Much love to you jenny girl!
Dear Jenny,
I am a childhood friend of your husband, David. I would like you to know I am glad you are sharing this journey with everyone. To see someone else find God's love in their own situation, no matter how tough, is inspiring. I do not have a childhood full of Sunday morning church, bible studies, etc... to reflect on to find God's love...I have what I am learning now, in my first year of studying the Bible (ever), and people like you and David who have known God for many years is very helpful to me. I find it tough to believe sometimes and other times very easy. Each time I read your journal I see God's love in you, in David...and your two adorable mini David and Jenny's.
Jenny, I just want you to know your journel is making a difference in my life, thank you. I've never known anyone close to me with cancer and I can't possibly imagine what you must be going through and I know there are no words to take any pain way, but I want you to know...your love for God is helping me...THANK YOU.
And I can't wait to see what fun you will have with the new wigs...what an incredible perspective...you can change your look every week...pretty cool.
God Bless Jenny...I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope this doesn't seem too silly to you...and I hope what I was trying to say came out appropriately. I was just really moved by this particular post.
Wow, Becky difinately not silly. I am moved by your openess to me and very thankful.
Jenny~ I LOVE checking this blog. You are such a testimony to me. You are handling this trial in the most Godly way and I know your story will bring many to Christ. Thanks again for sharing.
I am sooooooooo looking forward to Wednesday! You're sorta living every woman's dream...different hair to suit your fancy that week! have fun!
Erin captures what I'm feeling...closer to God because of your journey and faith He will bring you through each day. I can't wait to see this week's wig either!
Jenny, my sister,
The light of God is all around you and your writing is saturated with truth, love and goodness. Your perspective on life and the Kingdom continues to blow my mind and sharpen my own outlook. I love how you challenge my theology, how you cling to God, how you are fighting so tenaciously.
When I think of you and when I read posts like this I hear "Redemption Song" strumming through my soul. You quicken my spirit and speak to the clouds that can muddy up my days. You are a giver of life and a powerful voice in my life.
Thank you for spurring me on and for giving me strength.
I stand with you and fight for you.
mucho love
i loooove reading all your comments, thoughts and encouragement's. thank you awesome friends!
There are so many things changing in my life too and I didn't even know how to express how I was feeling. Reading your blog I found the words and the heart. Thank you Jenny for letting me understand so many things God is teaching me!!!!!!!!!!!!
God showed me He is still close to me and in control.
Love you.
Jenny, you are an incredible woman. We are all so blessed to have you.